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September 3rd, 2013, 10:32 PM
#2
Junior Hostboard Member
Re: unburdened, I give you
I dig the first line, but I was hoping for better descriptions of what the speaker could give a shit to give away, though "my casual shoes, unable to run" is nice. After shower sweat is a terrible thing, and to be unburdened to give that away is totally understandable. "My cough drop, candy / they call them, throat candies" didn't do much for me.
The best part of the piece starts at "but wondering how..." all the way to the end.
I really want to see what the speaker wouldn't mind giving away. I believe this is your first "5 min exercise." If you want to work on it more, I consider supporting the first line more.
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